An Evening at the Cinema
by Metal Dog
Summary: The Doctor sees a terrible movie... about himself.


**An Evening at the Cinema**

_by Matthew Schoaff_

He settled down in his seat with a gigantic tub of popcorn. Not that nasty movie theatre popcorn, mind you. He'd popped it himself, of course. There was a family down the row from him; the children noticed his gigantic tub of popcorn. He moved it to the seat on the other side of him, and away from them. He didn't want any of them eating _his_ popcorn.

The lights started to dim as more people came into the theatre and found seats. Whatever the movie was, it was certainly popular. He spotted a small group of teenagers sneaking in through the exit door, and debated whether or not he should tell them off. Better not, he decided. Somebody might ask for _his_ ticket.

Previews! He loved the previews. Of course he had already seen all of the movies. More people came in. A young couple stopped at the end of his row and gestured towards the seats between him and the nosy children. He gladly stood and let them in. He smiled when he recognized them, knowing that with his new face, they'd never recognize _him_. Good for you, Sally Sparrow! Or was it Nightengale now? He craned his neck, trying to see if she was wearing a ring yet, but couldn't tell.

He moved the tub of popcorn back over to the seat on his left; the one between him and Larry. He saw Larry's eyes widen as he spied the popcorn. Larry looked at his own bucket of popcorn, and then back at the gigantic tub.

"That's a lot of popcorn," Larry muttered to himself.

"Eh? What's that?" He cupped his ear toward Larry.

"Oh, um..." Larry looked embarassed. "I said that's a lot of popcorn. I thought _this_ was the largest size they had." He held up his 2-litre bucket for emphasis.

"Really? That's the largest they sell here? And how much did it cost, eh? Ten pounds? Twenty?"

"Too much." Larry munched on his popcorn and stared intently at the screen. "Oh, this is a good one; I'm looking forward to this one."

"Hi! I'm Sally!" Sally said, as she strectched up to see over Larry's head.

"Sally!" Larry said, seemingly annoyed. "I'm trying to watch the preview, here! Do you mind?"

"Well, sor-_ry_!" she said, plopping back down in her seat with a huff. "Just trying to be friendly," she muttered to herself.

"Shhh!" shushed the mother down the row. She shot a disapproving stare at Larry. Larry sat up a bit straighter, and the woman returned her attention to her squabbling children.

He waved his hand over the tub of popcorn, invitingly. "You're welcome to have some of my popcorn, if you like," he said. "Popped it myself. _And_ seasoned it!" He grabbed a handful and shoved it in his mouth, munching greedily. These new teeth were nice... almost as nice as the last teeth, but not as big. He poked his finger in his mouth to remove a bit of kernel from between them, but looked down the row and saw the mother glaring at him. He pulled his finger out of his mouth and took another handful of popcorn as the next preview started. He remembered this one, all right. A real tearjerker. He wondered what movie he was about to see. Oh, well, this was the last preview. He wouldn't have to wait long to find out.

The opening credits started to roll, as he saw an aerial view of London. He smiled as the crowd in the theatre cheered a little... he guessed that he must be in London. The camera swooped and swerved over the city, then dove down to surface level. It careened through the streets of the city at high speed. Pedestrians leaped out of its way. Automobiles screeched to a halt to avoid it as it zoomed through red lights without pausing. As it aproached a tunnel, suddenly it veered upwards again, soaring high into the night sky. Then the camera panned back to reveal what vehicle this was, flying haphazardously through the city like a bat out of hell.

The Doctor was gobsmacked to see that it was the TARDIS.

As the familiar blue box (they got the windows wrong, he thought to himself) tumbled through the starry sky, he read the names of the actors as they appeared on the screen. David Tennant? Never heard of him. Freema Agyeman? That's an interesting name, he thought. Probably a girl's name, but he couldn't be sure. The same could be said for Billie Piper. Ah, John Barrowman; there's a name he was sure belonged to a man. But then again, it _was_ the 21st Century. Elisabeth Sladen was definitely a girl's name, as was Catherine Tate. "and Nicholas Courtney." Poor devil, got his name last. Probably some old man making a cameo appearance. He couldn't place _any_ of these names. He hoped they hadn't cast some nobody as him. After all, he was the Doctor! He was a Time Lord! He deserved better than some two-bit understudy.

An old man strode through the doors of the U.N. building in New York City. The audience applauded when they saw him on the screen. He was dressed in the uniform of a Brigadier General in the British Army. The camera followed him into a lift, where he placed his eyes against a retina scanner. It took two tries, and the elderly Brigadier muttered something about cataract surgery. The lift doors closed, and the lift started to drop rapidly.

The Brigadier was next seen on a security camera, as he marched down a long hallway. He walked through a door into a room that was painted completely white. At a long black table, several men and women sat on one side, facing the door and the Brigadier. A single chair was by the door. He saluted the people at the table, and announced himself. "Brigadier General Lethbridge-Stewart, as ordered." After dropping his salute, he placed his hands behind his back and raised his eyebrows expectantly.

The Doctor grabbed another handful of popcorn, trying to eat it while smiling like a fool. Good old Brigadier! And not a bad casting choice, either. The old fellow looked a lot like the real article. He was sure that the Brigadier would have approved. Then he wondered if Doris was going to be in the movie, too.

There was a smattering of dialogue, but the Doctor didn't pay too much attention. He was busy picking out the mistakes that the costume department had made with the UNIT uniforms. The logo was all wrong, for one thing. And why were they based at the UN? He remembered that, when UNIT was first formed, the UN had immediately complained about the use of the words "United Nations" in the name of the organization. In fact, UNIT was based in Geneva and had absolutely nothing to do with the UN.

On the screen, the alien menace was revealed for the first time, but only a claw pointing at a screen that showed the Earth, accompanied by various clicks and hisses. Is that _really_ what they thought these aliens would sound like? Based on the shape of the claw, the Doctor guessed that they were probably a bird-like race, and as such should whistle more than hiss or click. Well, _maybe_ they would click, a little.

He saw a little boy, in the front row, try to hide behind his mother's arm. He remembered the first time he had ever been scared of an alien race, back in the Academy. He remembered his teacher, Borusa, taking him aside and lecturing him. "Even monsters have nightmares," Borusa said. "What do monsters have nightmares about?" he had asked. "Us," Borusa had answered, with a sinister smile. The Doctor still had nightmares, occasionally, about Borusa. He wondered if, deep inside the time-lock, Borusa still lived. Perhaps, when Rassilon was freed from his eternal prison... but the Doctor didn't want to think about that. He had come into the theatre to escape from reality, not dwell on it.

His eyes were brought back to the screen by the sound of the TARDIS's engines. Well, at least they got the sound right, he thought. He could almost hear the fabric of the Universe being pushed aside as the TARDIS materialized... at Buckingham Palace! He laughed to himself. If he had ever _really_ landed at Buckingham Palace, no doubt the Queen would have him thrown into the Tower for the rest of his lives. He was still considered "An Enemy of the Empire" by those idiots at the Torchwood Institute. He gasped when he saw Her Majesty, herself, appear on the screen. How did they convince Her to appear in this film? It must be an actress, he thought, but she looked very convincing.

The door of the TARDIS opened, and a tall, handsome man strutted out. The audience exploded with applause. Who the blazes was_ this_? Which one of his former selves was_ he _supposed to be? The Doctor almost choked on his popcorn when he saw the Queen of the United Kingdom actually bow to the handsome man, and defer to him as "The Doctor, Almighty Lord of Time, and Defender of Earth." If anything, he thought, the _real_ Queen would consider Time to be merely another part of _Her_ Kingdom. She would _never_ bow to a Time Lord, even if She knew how powerful his race had been. After all, She _was_ the Queen... divine right and all that.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a china teacup and saucer, then poured himself a cup of tea. It was still piping hot, of course. The teaspoon clinked against the china as he stirred in three teaspoons of sugar. He noticed Larry watching him as he put the sugar bowl back into his pocket... he knew he should have brought his sugar in little packets, but when you can fit an entire tea set in your pockets, why not? Larry nudged Sally, and they both stared at him as he blew across the tea to cool it. He wondered if they suspected who he really was.

The action in the movie started to get more exciting, and he stopped worrying about anybody paying much attention to him. They were all riveted to the screen, watching this handsome young Doctor do impossible things with just a sonic screwdriver. He laughed out loud at a few of the scenes... who wrote this rubbish? It was like the sonic was some sort of Deus ex Machina device that could solve any problem with the press of a button. Utterly ridiculous. It was good for turning screws and opening doors, but the part where the movie Doctor used it to bring somebody back from the dead... he only _wished_ it could work like that.

He gave up on his popcorn. Too much garlic, he thought. After his recent encounters with vampires, he had had enough garlic for a while. He nudged the tub closer to Larry, who eagerly refilled his bucket form the tub's seemingly bottomless supply of corn. Larry didn't seem to mind the garlic. He hoped that Sally wouldn't be offended by garlic breath... he didn't want his over-seasoned popcorn to interrupt any of their romantic plans. Sooner or later, he knew that they were destined to become parents, and if tonight was supposed to be the night of conception, his heavy spices could undo a lot of future history. He really needed to stop worrying about things like this, he thought to himself. Everything has a way of working out the way it should, he reminded himself.

Wrapped up in his thoughts, he had barely noticed that half of the movie had gone bye. Three women and a man were helping the movie Doctor fly the movie TARDIS (is that_ really _what they think it looks like on the inside? It's much bigger, for one thing...). He was confused. Was the bleached-blonde one supposed to be Rose? Or Donna? He recognized Martha, right away, by her bright red hair... but the actress was too old for the role. He wondered who the man was supposed to be... a younger Brigadier? Certainly not Captain Jack; Jack was much more handsome than this fellow... _and_ his American accent was more convincing.

Ah, the big moment! The aliens were finally revealed, in all their Hollywood special effects glory. Tritovores? Of all the species in all of the Universe, they used the _Tritovores_? How could they be so stupid? Tritovores are a _peaceful_ race, and no threat to anyone! He closed his eyes during a scene where a Tritovore graphically ripped the flesh off of some random UNIT soldier... why would they _do_ that? Whoever wrote this movie, they were going to be getting a visit from a certain Time Lord, he was sure of that. He started to fantasize about what he would say to this screenwriter... or maybe he would just smack him with a fish. A big, stinky fish. He was going to have to sit through the end credits to see who was to blame.

He was sipping his third cup of tea when he remembered the sweets in his other pocket. Jelly Babies! He carefully balanced his cup and saucer on his left knee while he searched through the little bag for an orange one. He decided that he'd have to settle for a red one, but there weren't any red ones left, either. He sighed and bit into a blue one... what flavor was this supposed to be? Ever since that American company bought Cadbury's, the Jelly Babies just hadn't been the same.

Oh, look! They got one of the old James Bonds to play Rassilon! Didn't look a thing like him, though; Rassilon had a mustache.

The Doctor couldn't follow the logic of the plot, either. Somehow, the Tritovores were able to transform themselves into attractive women, and spent half of the movie seducing young men and then eating their brains. Well, at least they got that part right, even though that was the Cerebrovores and not the Tritovores... but, he supposed, maybe some humans actually _did_ have trite for brains, especially the screenwriter. Besides that, the Cerebrovores just fed on _memories_, not the actual brain matter, like these movie aliens were doing. But, then again, nobody called them Mnemonivores; probably because it was difficult to pronounce.

Oh, yes, he was certain of it: he was going to smack the screenwriter with the biggest, stinkiest fish he could find. Maybe he could find a way to drop a dead whale on the man's house.

He'd figured out that this Doctor in the movie was supposed to be his tenth self, by now. He wasn't going to complain too much about the casting choice. The actor in the role was much funnier, and much wittier than he remembered being. But what was with all of the kissing? He'd never kiss a human... the very thought made him cringe. But, he supposed, that's what you can expect from human movies. There's_ always _too much kissing.

And then the movie Doctor kissed the movie Captain Jack and he dropped his teacup.

He wondered how much of the movie was left, and he covered his eyes. He simply couldn't watch another minute of this rubbish. Suddenly, the movie was over. The alien invasion had been repulsed by some last-minute brilliant plan that depended on the most bizarre pseudo-scientific gobbledy-gook that he had ever seen. He was embarrassed for the actor who had played him in the movie... just watching the actor's face he could tell that he, too was ashamed by the absurdity of it all. He hoped this David Tennant fellow would go on to better roles, after this.

The end credits began to roll across the screen, accompanied by some sort of electronic music. He liked the music, at least. Surprisingly, nobody in the theatre got out of their seats.

He leaned over towards Larry, and cleared his throat. "I suppose _everyone_ wants to know who to hit with a fish, is that it?"

"_What_?" Larry looked at him like he had just sprouted wings.

"The screenwriter... oh, look, there's his name. I'd better write it down. _Russell T_.... Oh, dear, it went too fast. What was his last name? Davis?"

"Davies. D,A,V,I,E,S. He's written _all_ of the Professor What movies. And there's a surprise scene at the end of the credits... it's all over the internet already, of course, but I still want to see it."

"Professor _What_?"

"You know, Professor What!"

Sally leaned forward and whispered loudly, "That's not his _real_ name, though."

"Sally! Shhh!" Larry looked nervous, and smiled half-genuinely at the Doctor. "Sorry, she's got this silly idea... never mind, it's..."

"His name is The Doctor," Sally whispered. "We _met_ him. He's _real_."

"It's _not_ him," Larry whispered back, then turned back to the Doctor and said, "Sorry. She goes on and on about this every time we see a Professor What movie."

The Doctor leaned closer. "She's right, you know. It _is_ supposed to be me." he whispered, and winked at Larry.

Larry's eyes bugged out as he stared at the Doctor. Just then, the credits ended, and the extra scene appeared on the screen. It was a preview of what the next Professor What movie would bring... apparently an adventure involving a character called The Headmaster (played by that fellow from Life on Mars... the Doctor smiled as he remembered how he had picked up those DVD's, thinking they were actually about life on mars... but it had still been a good story, nevertheless).

When the lights came up, Sally and Larry looked around for the strange man who had been sitting near them. He had vanished, somehow. Even the gigantic tub of popcorn was gone. Only a single piece of the broken teacup remained on the floor, as evidence that the Doctor had been there.


End file.
